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photo: Wouter van der Kruit.

Farewell to Deshney

About the release of fear

Maja Kluvers

February 2008

See also: Deshney 

Dear readers!

Almost two years ago I acquainted you with our dear cat Deshney and how she helped me to look at my fears and become in the long run able to release them. I the also told you that I had ‘seen’ that together we were underway and at one point saw her disappearing through a doorway.

And now the dreadful moment, where I had to face one of my greatest fears, had come. Almost fifteen years of age, in May she would be 15, it has become obvious that Deshney is ill, although you wouldn’t recognize it, looking at her looks or appetite. The vet observes that she has a tumour and he is very worried. Because of her problems to her bronchial tubes she has, when she would be operated upon, just about a fifty-fifty chance to survive. My next question was about the chance of recovery.

In the past we had said to each other that, if Deshney was to become gravely ill, we would not try to extend her life with all kinds of artificial tricks, however excellent the intentions or implementation.

But now, when the time has come and you have to choose between a difficult and very risk full operation, of which the odds are great she would not withstand narcotics, or of putting her down, all of a sudden it is a quite different story. What is going to ‘prevail’. Reason or soul? Or will a draw be possible?

In those moments it just seems your head to be stuffed with wadding and you are so very overwhelmed with sorrow that it looks as if you can’t think anymore. Since thirty-six years there is a cat in the house and after the passing of Rasta and Suzie, Deshney was our sole pet. So she got a lot of extra attention and was very much spoiled as is to be expected.

After the period of putting down Rasta and Suzie we had hoped there would not be another tough decision, but that nature itself would organize the leave-taking. It is so very hard to have to decide about life and death. But notwithstanding our immense grief, we understand that it wouldn’t be fair towards Deshney to let her suffer even more.

On February 14th, Valentines day, the vet comes to our house to put down Deshney.

Just about an hour before his arrival, Deshney wants to sit on my lap and wants me to stroke her incessantly. Every time I withdraw my hand she is telling me with gestures of her little paw, that she can’t get enough of it. Can it be that she is sensing anything? All the time I am in tears and talk to her about having to say good bye and that it is so hard for me to have to take this decision. To have to part from my golden cat, for whom I should be able to take care of, but because of the circumstances cannot take CARE of as it should be. Impotence is prevailing. It makes me all the more sad to have to observe that I am failing in my possibilities as a human being. I tell her also that I am almost a bit panicking if I think about the empty place if she will leave behind!

16.30 hours. Pleased? Distressed!

At the one hand pleased because the vet is coming to our house and we didn’t have to create excessive stress for Deshney to have to go to the practice once again. We were able to help her to accommodate her leaving this earth plain in our very arms. On the other side… sadness… to have to say good bye.

A puncture.. difficult… heavy… crying… I whisper in her ear how much I love her and that I shall miss her terribly. A sigh…

I feel her life energy streaming out of her and all of a sudden all is silent. I cannot believe she is not here any more and many tears come and I stroke her little body continuously. There is no end to the current of tears…

When, after a long time the sorrow has diminished, I can feel angriness coming up. Why had this to take place on Valentine Day, a day of extra attention and giving love to each other? Wherever you look, red hearts are to be seen. And all the time it is nagging in my head.

But then, it seems as if a little bit of space is entering my head and now I am able tot think somewhat clearly.

Is it not just on this day that our hearts are opened more for unconditional love and did we not put Deshney’s welfare above that of ours? The unconditional love I always admired so much in Deshney? She used to have such an incredible character, all love. I always called her my GOLDEN CAT and not just because of her stunning golden eyes.

We buried her in the garden. And on the very day everyone gives one another a red rose or a red heart, we gave her a GOLDEN HEART, together with a HORUS EYE in her grave. A symbol representing the return of universal harmony and cosmic and earthbound ONENESS.

Farewell ‘my’/’our’ GOLDEN CAT’.

Or not?

Just now I know that the soul that once inhabited the body of Deshney, soon is going to incarnate near me and this knowing allows my sorrow to be much more bearable. I tell myself once and again that each new day brings closer the day of our reunion. I already know the colour. I am so very honoured to be able to know this. Isn’t that splendid?

Heart-felt greetings for all of you.