photo's: Wouter van der Kruit.
Deshney, or Releasing fear
Translation: © Helen Maijenburg –
Dear readers, while typing this story, Deshney is sitting beside me on her rug. Is something telling her this story is about her? Will she help me?
It seemed nice for Suzie to have some other cat’s company and we decided to adopt another cat. By means of a notice we ended up in the town of Emmen. There are many adult cats and kittens present and we are short of eyes and hands. Then my eye catches a very small sand coloured kitten of about three months old. She has beautiful brown eyes (as big as a coin of 20 eurocents I always say) and her fur almost reaches the floor. As she walks by she looks like a small flying carpet.
I can’t keep my eyes off her and I feel she’s very attracted to me too and that we will become the biggest of pals. I’m telling the cattery owner that I would like to buy Deshney. They are not sure that they want to get rid of her because she is looking so special and she has been a problem kitten. Her mother couldn’t or didn’t want to take care of her. The mother was already very old and no one knew she would get another kitten. Coincidence? And of all born kittens this unexpected born kitten is perhaps helping me to release old fears.
When everything is sorted out we can take her with us in a cat carrier on the back seat of the car. Immediately she’s letting us know she wants it differently. She doesn’t want to be locked up in the cat carrier, she just wants to sit on my lap. And so it happens and she quietly enjoys the journey home on my lap… And just before we leave the message is passed to us that she is a real ‘house cat’.
Then a period of getting used to one another and getting acquainted with Suzie follows but after a week they are inseparable.
Deshney gives me the feeling she’s staying behind in her development and it seems to us she eats just enough to stay alive.
Her character is sensational. Everything is okay with her and she never gives off a negative signal by biting, clawing or a thick tail. What kind of kitten is this? And with her big eyes and whiskers of more then 4 inches in length she even amazes the vet when we visit him to get Deshney vaccinated.
As she is growing older her eyes get a different colour and change from brown to ‘goldish’.
One night I’m having a dream/message in which I see my self ‘en route’ with Deshney and after a certain distance I see her disappear in an opening in the ground. An opening around which forms of senses are sitting, I am not familiar with in this earth reality. Only when I wake up I’m permeated that we both are en route regarding her and mine development and that when it is finished she will leave me through the gate I have ‘seen’ to where she came from.
Then I slipped into my fear and I wept for days thinking it will all happen in the very near future and I can’t let go of her so soon. After much weeping for a while I’m impregnated with the fact that I’m living too much in the future and too little in the HERE and NOW and that I’m transmitting feelings of fear and sorrow that aren’t the issue yet.
Why am I sad about things that aren’t in order yet? Furthermore I notice that to Deshney these feelings of a kind of leave-taking take a negative effect and she does look down. She often looks at me with a glance of “what is all the fuss about? I’m still here”. By evoking feelings of fear for things that aren’t there or will not even happen we often create energy with a negative emission. Everything around us resounds on this vibration of fear!
I’ll have to reflect this well while putting aside my feelings of fear of losing her at the same time and will enjoy THE MOMENT. After all she is still here with me!
Was my perception about Suzie helping me in my development wrong? Why was Deshney always looking ‘withered’, while she was no doubt healthy?
The first year after Suzie’s crossing the Rainbow Bridge isn’t easy for Deshney. She often ‘seems’ to be looking for her and regularly she is calling her. But apparently she is doing better day by day. She’s eating more and her fur becomes more beautiful.
Then there is a year of enormous heaviness in my own development and suddenly I notice that Deshney – who always wants to sit on my lap – time after time, is sitting in the room under a small square side table. She only leaves the spot to eat and to sit for a single moment on my lap.
What does this mean?
I talk about my feelings a lot with her. It is as if she is my speaking link. But more important, it feels as if she understands me and that she’s telling me not to worry.
As time goes by the awareness is persuading that it would be more fun for her to go outside. What’s keeping me? All kinds of fears arise: fear of loosing her? (We already lost a cat in a car accident). Fear she will have kittens on her age while she couldn’t be sterilized.
Fear, fear, fear!
I wonder why I’m reviewing all those fears all of a sudden; why I dare to look at them now? Do they come floating to the surface just now or have they always been suppressed? For it seems that we humans are very good in suppressing and in not expressing our fears.
Is this the way we deal with our fears?
And where are they coming from?
When we’re young we have no fears. The
whole world looks so rosy.
And what happens to you when you face your fears? When you try to let them go and transform them into love and to have trust in what comes onto your path without the so called certainties of which we think we cannot do without?
Deshney helps me to trust in unconditional love. During our conversations I promise her she can go outside this spring.
When the garden is ready in spring Deshney goes outside for the first time and while I see her walking on her expedition trip a sad feeling plumps upon me that my fear has dragged her into a life of staying indoors, to be locked up. Time and again I look where she is and I’m making contact with her hoping she doesn’t wander off too far away. But she stays close by and visits every water dish to drink.
For the first time she sees a frog and even the birds do not really fear her for they keep on singing while at similar occasions birds would let their warning signs be heard. Apparently Deshney does not emit hunting signals and all is in the usual course of things.
When I call her to come home because I have to go away or for another reason as I do not want her outside for a longer period in my absence she is always coming instantaneously as if it is the most normal thing to do in the world. In fact I have the feeling to talk to her as to a human being for she reacts on the spot and is walking towards me with a glance in her eyes saying “you see you don’t have to worry”
What is she telling me?
Is she telling me I can let go of my fears?
That I can create a more beautiful reality for her and me by permitting
love to enter? And that this applies to other fears too? That it is
a good thing to face your fears and do something about them? It is
better then suppressing them, something we do rather quickly and then
think they’re gone. Sooner or later these fears and hidden feelings
come floating to the surface and ask to be transformed into Love.
And that those certainties in fact do not exist?